Apr. 6th, 2017

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Hello! Everyone was fleeing LJ, probably Putin did something IDK. Today I did Yoga for the first time. Downdog is hard when you have no flexibility. But ONE DAY, ONE DAY I will be flexcellent! Now I am going to go find and friend people with my detective skills or just asking them.
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Had a sudden panic that I created the account with the wrong number of Es but no it seems OK.

Yooka-Laylee comes out next week sometime. That is a game by the Banjo-Kazooie people and is effectively a copyright-dodging sequel. Reviews are mixed. The main criticism is that it hasn't learned from the last twenty years of game design. LET'S SEE, WHAT SHOULD IT HAVE LEARNED?

1. Put crafting and skill trees into EVERY GAME so that EVERYTHING is a fake RPG. Locking out all the interesting content until the player achieves certain milestones is a great way to drive them to play more!

2. Don't bother polishing the game, you can always release a patch sometime after everyone stops caring

3. All games should look the same. Same colour schemes, same landscapes, same lighting styles.

4. All games should have the same soundtrack style.

5. If you're going to put in a challenging bit, AND YOU SHOULDN'T, make sure the penalty for failure is minimal. In particular, the game should autosave progress whenever the player does ANYTHING, because otherwise there might be some thrilling tension and we are trying to avoid that.

6. All games must have the same controls. DO NOT HAVE ANY MOVES THAT ARE NOT IN ALL OTHER GAMES.

7. Side content must be lazy and tacked on. Make it as repetitive and flavourless as possible

8. Remember to take a good chunk of the game out before release and rename it "downloadable content" and charge people more money to get the full story.

9. All games must now have complicated storylines with dialogue and motion capture. Yes, the actual plots and characters can AND SHOULD be mediocre, but this is far more important than the actual gameplay. In particular, boss fights should be really confusing as to whether they use regular controls, use quick-time events or are just cut-scenes you sit and watch. If you're feeling really ambitious, aim for a confusing muddle of all three! Make sure that key plot points are delivered at the most hectic moments so that the player's attention is divided and neither story nor gameplay are sufficiently well understood.

Remember, the objective here is for all games genres to smush together into one SUPERGENRE so that we can finally attain the PLATONIC IDEAL OF GAMES and then shut the whole medium down as essentially completed. That is what all creative media wants to do secretly but only WE, only GAMES are tantalisingly close to our goal!

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Mostly I'm just assuming people's DW names are the same as their LJ names, but that does mean reading some entries to make sure I haven't friended entirely the wrong sort of person. I got about halfway down Whatho's, scrolling past things she knitted (or crocheted maybe), thinking DID SAM DO THAT EVER??! but then I read this:

"I'm watching a Zumba class on BBC Breakfast. It's about the most ghastly thing I've ever seen"

and thought "it is obviously the same person".


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September 2017


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