Apologies In Advance

Mr Tumnus Accuses Kevin Spacey of "Inappropriate Behaviour"

The faun and focus puller Neil Tumnus has spoken out about an alleged incident involving the actor Kevin Spacey.

Tumnus says this took place while Spacey was so deep in the closet that he was in Narnia, where Tumnus resides. "It started as a seemingly innocent snowball fight, but soon he was pinning me on the ground and fondling my cute horizontal ears. Then he said I gave him the horn, pointing to my two little horns. He also asked me to get out my flute because he wanted to play it, but when I did he looked confused and disappointed."

Spacey responded to the allegations, saying, "I don't remember this. You can't expect me to remember all my passes at vulnerable fauns, can you? I'm a slightly above average actor, not a London cabbie. Uh, if indeed he is a faun, like I say I can't remember. Is he? You said he was, I think. Yes. Anyway, I am extremely upset to hear about the pain I hypothetically caused, far far more than I was three years ago when Mr Tumnus first made these allegations but they weren't as widely reported."

Spacey added, "I think there is no better time that this for me to announce that I am a pansexual. Geddit? Pan? If you're wondering why it took me so long to come out, it's because I had to carefully select a lifestyle from all the choices on offer; such as asexual, which I think is fancying Aslan, and gay, which I imagine was what Travolta and Cruise were up to when I saw them in Narnia. You said it was in Narnia, didn't you? I think you did, yes."

We reached out to the spokesman for the ghouls, goblins and boggles of Narnia, but Bryan Singer declined to comment.