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Church attendances are set to decline thanks to a online swell of criticism of Jesus's perceived "wokeness". Experts are predicting that many churches will have to close as a result. Christ joins Fox News, Chick-Fil-A and Genghis Khan as things that are now considered too lefty.
The American Christian preacher Rockerfella T Clinton Jnr began the campaign with a tweet that read "Just heard Christ said 'turn the other cheek'! This kind of weakness points to estrogen poisoning, since we know a real man would have said 'guns guns guns guns guns'."
This prompted many Christians to read the bible for the first time, where they discovered more of the same. "Love one another, as I have loved you" came in for particular scorn for not explicitly excluding gays and Muslims and blacks and whichever out of women or trans are currently worse. Evangelical YouTube channel ToddlerWithAThesaurus posted a video called "Christ The Lord Could This Be Any More Stupid" in which he went point by point through the Beatitudes, rejecting every one. "The meek? Why should they inherit the earth? Are they a billionaire CEO? I think not!" he railed. "I call upon every true Christian to denounce this Christ."
But some think the movement has gone too far. Conspiracy theories abound that Jesus eats babies, has sex with children and worst of all, voted for Joe Biden. Fact-checking site WhyDoWeBother.com pointed out that Jesus was crucified two millennia ago, fully three months before Biden was even born.
God the Father declined to be interviewed but did issue the following statement: "We had hoped Jesus would continue the family tradition of cruelty, capriciousness and genocide but we understand he must pursue his own path and we wish him all the best. But yeah I totally heard he eats babies, pass it on."
The American Christian preacher Rockerfella T Clinton Jnr began the campaign with a tweet that read "Just heard Christ said 'turn the other cheek'! This kind of weakness points to estrogen poisoning, since we know a real man would have said 'guns guns guns guns guns'."
This prompted many Christians to read the bible for the first time, where they discovered more of the same. "Love one another, as I have loved you" came in for particular scorn for not explicitly excluding gays and Muslims and blacks and whichever out of women or trans are currently worse. Evangelical YouTube channel ToddlerWithAThesaurus posted a video called "Christ The Lord Could This Be Any More Stupid" in which he went point by point through the Beatitudes, rejecting every one. "The meek? Why should they inherit the earth? Are they a billionaire CEO? I think not!" he railed. "I call upon every true Christian to denounce this Christ."
But some think the movement has gone too far. Conspiracy theories abound that Jesus eats babies, has sex with children and worst of all, voted for Joe Biden. Fact-checking site WhyDoWeBother.com pointed out that Jesus was crucified two millennia ago, fully three months before Biden was even born.
God the Father declined to be interviewed but did issue the following statement: "We had hoped Jesus would continue the family tradition of cruelty, capriciousness and genocide but we understand he must pursue his own path and we wish him all the best. But yeah I totally heard he eats babies, pass it on."
